baggage's Diaryland Diary

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Note that, right now, I am quite scared.

High.

No shirt. Just shorts.

No shoes.

guitar

electricity.

alone.

3:57 p.m. - 2009-06-20

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Needle-a big, tall needle

I drew a chart today. One line sloped down. Another sloped up. In the middle they met. And I wondered if I'd ever get the chance to recognize you as you walked by.

9:45 p.m. - 2009-05-20

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Listening to: Phoenix

Sometimes, I feel like a old, rich guy all alone in a huge mansion with nothing to do but feel like an adult.

9:40 p.m. - 2009-05-20

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orphaned

goodbye, dad.

7:49 a.m. - 2009-03-16

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The Mentalists

This makes me smile, despite it all:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Df1MSWblX6I&eurl=http://www.thementalists.co.uk/watch-listen&feature=player_embedded

9:10 p.m. - 2009-03-04

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dad

Today, I was told dad only has a few days to live.
We've known all along, but it's still packs a punch to hear it coming from the doctor.

11:32 a.m. - 2009-03-04

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Almost Orphaned

So when did this start? New Year's Eve-he fell while attempting to take the trash in.
Whether the stroke came before or after the fall was once important to me. But, of course it isn't.
He's hooked up to a breathing machine.
And so am I.

8:59 p.m. - 2009-02-25

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nowhere to go but here

Dad is dying. Almost same time of the year as Mom.

7:14 a.m. - 2009-02-25

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Happy to be here despite it all, Mr. Updike

Note to yourself, but from the past:

If you can recognize this, you da bomb!

TA TAAAAA TA TA TA TAAAA TAAAA TA TA TA TAAAAA TAAAAA TA TA TA TAAAAAAAAAA

9:28 p.m. - 2009-01-28

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2009-resolution

2009 will be a year of purging and cleaning-like a long, very satisfying visit to a very plush, private bath.

6:46 a.m. - 2009-01-18

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2009-resolution

2009 will be a year of purging and cleaning-like a long, very satisfying visit to a very plush, private bath.

6:46 a.m. - 2009-01-18

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Must be Christmas

Spent the evening here. It was quite lovely-despite the ache in my head.

8:00 p.m. - 2008-11-30

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Sympathy will have to do

Just rose from a 14-hour sleep and feeling slightly better. I've simply no time for the flu and am quite annoyed - although not surprised - to be harboring germs that make my nose drip, my brain ache and my mood ill.
But, it's Sunday and perhaps I may turn Monday into a sick day.
Otherwise, the world still spins around me and , unlike the song, i don't seem to spend as much time standing still these days.
It's taken this long to stop thinking of Mom everyday. My sister, on the other hand, is still reeling. Her marriage has fallen apart and, quite frankly, I'm unsure that the story she shares with me is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
My brother has seemingly made fulfilling every cliche about men his mission in life. Isn't it hard to be that much of an asshole?
But, this is not a negative moment. I feel for my siblings, worry about them and am willing to help in any way. But, they're hold on my emotional state is tenuous at best.
Am making progress, thankfully.

8:29 a.m. - 2008-11-30

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Thanks

The cacophony outside the window belongs to what appears to be a large family - about 8 or so - walking their dog on a Thanksgiving evening. A pretty girl with long blond hair rushed out to the front of the group as I looked at them from my quiet living room. She turned around, pulled out a camera and shot a picture - laughing all the while.
I sure hope the image comes out.

8:46 p.m. - 2008-11-27

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6 percent and counting

A quick inventory of nice moments:

-wine and cheese at the Pantages theater parking lot
-a random compliment from a stranger on the bus
-sushi in the high desert
-Wicked
-Obama
-Spending time with someone that helps beat back my own myopia about organized religions.

Not much in the way of drama or revelations from the past few months. Fixing up the castle a tiny bit (new roof, paint, wind turbines). Getting ready for the big career move in September and dialing everything in financially so we're prepared.
I'm seeing some personal issues in a bright, shiny new light and am working towards the realization that they're not nearly the big deal I built them up to be.
I hereby refuse to be taken advantaged of by my own petty mind.

2:34 p.m. - 2008-11-15

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Obama

This is such an awesome time to be alive.

9:37 p.m. - 2008-11-03

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uh huh

Tonight, I'm oatmeal raisin cookies.

and crumbs at the table.

listening to Diana.

9:09 p.m. - 2008-10-06

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get lucky-and i'm not talking about Loverboy

At times I feel threadbare-stretched out and expanded beyond God's original design. Other times i feel compact-compressed into a tiny space-barely breathing and sweaty from confinement.
And, then there's times like now-where I feel detached - floating above my body, a disembodied spirit freed by some divine accident - unsure of my own abilites and yet aware of my potential to fly off in any number of directions.
I've been lucky. The Big Decisions I've made from the past few years have so far revealed themselves to be correct in all respects. My ego would like to think that skill was involved in these choices but I know better. Luck plays a bigger role in my life than I used to admit.
I'm working from home today and have an appointment with a faculty member at the nearby University regarding graduate programs. Yesterday, I met with a career counselor in a session that was more touchy-feely than what I expected.
And, this morning, my father just gave me the keys to my inheritance. More than I deserve considering all that he's done for me.
Clearly something is afoot. I'm at a mid-life crossroad and decisions must be made. Luck and skill: I need both right now.

12:13 p.m. - 2008-10-02

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In the valley of the scattered

Tonight, I burn candles.

9:00 p.m. - 2008-09-23

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Would it help if i could call you? Maybe not, but the option would be nice

I sense a pattern: I tend to want to write here when in a hotel room in some strange city and it's past midnight and I'm alone and far from Girl-Unit.
Tonight is a wee bit different, however. I am not alone (which is not at all what it sounds like). My currently sick work friend is sleeping off a bad cold in the bed next to me and I've just returned from a work-related function complete with comedians, Robin Leech (yes-Robin Leech), contortionists and the oddly-expected rubber chicken.
It was interesting. And, I did what all mature, responsible mid-career folk do when at a work function: drink water and network.
In this economy, it seems important to play some sort of game and I suppose this is mine.
Today's activities left me cold. Web 2.0 (yet another useless catch phrase but appropriate here I guess) offers a lot of potential for assisting our progress as beings-for enhancing our potential-for aiding our communication-but the fact is that it simply feeds our addiction for the lowest common denominator.
As a species, our intellectual and artistic needs are satisfied, in general, with crap.
And nothing proves this more than taking a casual glance at google trends.
But enough of that. I'm too tired for standing on any sort of soapbox.
I'm feeling a wee bit sick myself and am hoping the small text on the packaging warning me of "marked drowsiness" is indeed true.
It's 1 am and I can't sleep for too many reasons to list.

12:54 a.m. - 2008-09-09

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As it stands currently

Wowee. Been a while. Not feeling much need to come here any more-except, of course, tonight.
I wonder why I even bother, but I suppose it still is nice to have some sort of semi-private space on the web.
Good things:
band doing well.
Going to graduate school.
Still teaching. And loving it.
Someday, I hope to teach full time.
Gots to pick up more actionscript!
Married life is wonderful, I must say. Why did I ever wait so damn long? I'm so glad she did.
Saw some great shows recently: Lyle Lovett, Leo Kotke, Eisley, Steely Dan, The Myriad...good stuff.
Buying a new amp soon. Must have toys!

bad stuff:
Lost two kitties to coyotes. :(
Still pissed off at Jeff. Can't get over it.
Work is bad-but, then again, the economy sucks so I suppose it's like that for a lot of us.

Hmmm,..that's it. Not too bad, really.

Oh. One more good thing: fried chicken in the fridge.

That's it fer now. I do plan on updating more soon.

9:13 p.m. - 2008-08-11

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American Tune

So where the hell are all my friends?
Not "MySpace/Facebook/insert social networking website here friends," but friends I've known all my life? Ones with recognizable voices. Ones who live nearby. Ones who live across the country. A neighboring town?
Where did you go?

8:30 p.m. - 2008-06-16

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Open letter to my favorite fellow JEW fan

wow-when did you leave that note? I haven't been here in ages. All is well-just been super busy with all sorts of work/music/relationship stuff. But it's all pretty good. Right now, I'm relaxing in some silk boxer shorts (too much information? yeah-well too bad). Came home from work and immediately took a quick run around the block (very tiring but it feels great), followed by a cold shower, a nice solitary meal and now, some new music courtesy of a band I just saw last Thursday at the El Rey: Vedera. Imagine a harder rockin, yet poppier Brandi Carlile (is that how she spells her last name?). Their full album is cool, but I prefer their latest ep Stages. Go get it now! It's only, like, 2 bucks on ITunes or something. They opened up for Eisley which is another AMAZING band. Damn-they were just awesome live. Very melodic, progressive and, well, I mean-not to be so base or anything, but the three girls in the band are adorably pretty. Wowee. And, their vocal harmonies are out of this world. Seriously. It's like they're angels or something. And their songs are very unique. No one else sounds like them-save for Sixpence None The Richer, but that is so unfair fair. The more you listen to Sixpence and Eisley, the differences in their songwriting become easily apparent. I love Sixpence too by the way-too bad they broke up. What the hell was Leah (or it it Lea) thinking? Divine Discontent was just an amazing album and now she puts out this solo album that's pretty good but oh-so-typical-pop. Ugh. I wonder what Matt Slocum is up to these days? Anyways, also saw Dream Theater and a band named Opeth a while back. I'm not a huge fan of cookie monster metal-you know, the metal bands with the singers who sound like their growling the whole time? Not too into that at all. But, this band, Opeth (NOT Oteph which is another band) has a great album called "Damnation." The song that blew me away live was "In My Time Of Need" which is just beautiful...I'm not sure if you would like the whole album but that one song is gorgeous. Go gamble 99 cents and get it from ITunes. I'm curious to get your take on it. Anyways, Opeth has a lot of death metal in them-but that one album is totally different and very cool. Plus, the singer has an amazing voice. I love being blown by a band that plays a style of music I don't typically like. Anyways, how is it over there on your side of the world? How is the job?
Oh-and I turned 40 a while ago and celebrated by consuming mass quantities with a fellow diarylander who turned out to be just as awesome in person as she is in her journal. These connections we make-so very light and tenuous yet so very cool too. There's this other person in diaryland who doesn't write here anymore and i so miss her. But, these things, they happen. So, anyway, I'd update you about the band but you know where I am on myspace so I won't bother dagnabit. I'm posting this without editng! Watch out!

8:42 p.m. - 2008-05-19

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Hold your fire, keep it burning bright

OK.
Whew.
Deep breath.
’Tis time to recollect thoughts and hash out the triumphs and failures of the past few weeks.
In an unexplained fit of madness driven by both economic and emotional catalysts, I took on far too much.
Perhaps I'm bearing the torch of some imagined guilt.
Or perhaps I had foolishly hoped that throwing myself to the metaphorical lions of my so-called career would somehow persuade a few skeletons to vacate the metaphorical closet.
But, no such luck.
Foolish, foolish immature little man that I am.
But, it's over. And I'm better for it.
I think.
So, what's new? Let's see:
I turn 40 in a few months. Two months to be closer to exact.
So, is that a big deal? Well-yes. I suppose it is. But, I'm not afraid of 40 nearly as much as I'm afraid of the future.
Which seems contradictory I know.
The future has worried me for quite some time now. And, believe me, the future has little to do with turning 40.
I'm due for some growth. A plan would be nice. I want to enter my 40s with a plan for the next - shall I go ahead and say it - half of my life.
You see, I've never really entertained a plan. Life just sorta fell into place. Wife-Unit, the career, the house, the savings, the home, the music; it's all there. And I'm debt free (save for the mortgage, but that doesn't really count. So there).
Not bad when you think about it. I've plenty to be giddy about-specifically the debt free part (I wasn't always debt free. It took quite a few years to rid myself of the financial excess of my college years. That's one part of my youth I never plan to revisit).
But, now, two months away from, from...you know...40 - I do feel the need for some sort of plan.
So, I'm looking for one. If any of the two or three of you who read my dribble have one you'd like to share, please do so. I need the perspective of someone who doesn't know me. At least who doesn't know me - yet - (I'm still waiting for my fish tacos. And don't look at my journal like that. You know who you are).
In other news, I'm still enduring the sting of words written by an old-ex-best-friend-Ray (name the pop culture reference in that last sentence for an air kiss on any part of your virtual body). I trusted this person. I've defended this person. And I want to forgive and forget and all that other crapola, but you see-I just can't bring myself to that kind of zen. I'm still quite pissed about what was done.
And I fear that I'll never get over it.
And I'm also concerned for Wife-Unit. She's adrift. And I can't seem to reel her into any kind of direction.
And, well, you know, I figure if anyone could help it would be me.
But, that's just not true.
And that's what's concerning.
The artistic spark is still very much there. But, it's been neglected and is feeling a bit unsure. Must stroke that muscle before it atrophies any further.
So, there, in so many unspecific terms is What's On My My Mind.
I need to break it down.
And the first step to breaking it down is to write it down.
So, I've at least started.
Happy Valentines Day.
And may Cupid's bow not be dipped in anything too infectious.

9:18 p.m. - 2008-02-14

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Over the hills and far away

Listening to Paz, and feeling very quiet.

What I'm looking for is home. Some sort of family. Friends that don't require any sort of guard. A culture that fits loosely yet still manages to drape across the shoulders well.

I've no idea where to look.

8:56 p.m. - 2008-01-21

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the glory of strangers

Someone tried to kill me in my dreams last night. And I found protection in a group of strangers who clearly wanted to save me, even though their interest in my well-being never was clear.
Also unclear was why I was the target of someone's bullets.
Maybe I'll get to finish the story tonight.

8:54 p.m. - 2008-01-21

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And I say this with complete sincerity

Happy happy, joy joy everyone!

5:41 p.m. - 2007-12-24

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Early Christmas

I found two friends I thought I had lost for good this past week.
And, thankfully, they were looking for me as much as I was looking for them.

8:50 p.m. - 2007-12-17

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Enough

reality check:

Paris Hilton is so not that hot. I wish we'd get over our fascination with her skinny-ass.

7:15 a.m. - 2007-12-14

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Heave!

Excuse me, I can't breathe because of all this shit on my chest.

To those who called for the execution of a teacher because her class named a teddy bear Mohammed: FUCK YOU. Thankfully, the president of Sudan isn't nearly as fucking stupid as some of the country's residents. I mean-you gotta be fucking kidding right? Is this what your religion advocates?

Virtual Gifts: Are you serious? If you have that much extra money to throw down the gutter, then at least let a homeless person pick it up. Dear Lord. How extravagant can we get?

Megan Meier: Jesus-can it get any more tragic than this?

The Golden Compass: Oh no! All our kids will become atheists! Quick! Let's raise a big-ass stink about it so the movie can get even more publicity! It's just a movie, people. If you don't like it, then don't let your kids see it. Fucking dumbasses. Hell, just listening to Bush speak is enough to make me doubt the existence of God.

The Democratic candidates: Jesus-we need a legitimate third party NOT affiliated in any form with Ralph Nader.

The Republican candidates: Jesus-we need a third party that doesn't come pre-packaged with Mr. Nader. You've done some great work, sir-but you're part of the reason why Bush is in power now and for that, you deserve a teaching job in Sudan, asshole.

OK-I feel a little better. Now, if I can finally get over this flu.

8:04 a.m. - 2007-12-04

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It's just the flu, damnit!

Despite a lingering illness that refuses to go away, I'm determined to make December the damn giddy month that it should be.
But, before I can get on with my giddy self, I figured that a visit to the doctor was in order. I've been sick, off and on, since October for God's sakes -- and with my typical remedy of tylenol and nyquil not working the expected miracle, I drug myself down to a nurse practicioner yesterday hoping for some sort of antibiotic and got, instead, tested for HIV.
What the fuck? HIV?
She ordered blood tests for a variety of things telling me it was standard procedure for new patients, but the paperwork clearly checked that I was being tested for HIV as well.
What was it about her limited time with me (10 minutes or so) that made her think I should be tested for HIV? I looked like shit no doubt - hell I was lucky to have the strength get in the shower that day much less put on any sort of face - but I doubt my appearance alone would have raised that particular flag.
Not that I'm worried. I can tell you, with nary a bat of my slanted eye, that I've been true blue to Girl Unit since we've met-with the exception of many trysts with my right hand of course. Thankfully, I'm feel that my right hand is to be trusted as well. I know where it's been after all.
Oh c'mon. You do it too. Probably just last night. Admit it.

7:32 a.m. - 2007-12-04

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Just wonderin'

So.

Ummm...it's almost midnight, the day after thanksgiving.

What are you doing?

11:46 p.m. - 2007-11-23

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Chasing some sort of light

Downtown Santa Barbara reeks of ocean salt and twenty-something hormones.
I'm here to work, believe it or not.
Which makes it even harder to believe that the last seven hours have been spent eating, bar hopping and (I kid you not) almost getting into a fight with some bearded asshole who walked up to me and said, "I loved you in Crouching Tiger."
We were in mid-hand shake when he blurted out that comment. At first, I thought to just let it go and be a wuss about it but, thanks to the alcohol coursing through my system, I opted to tell him what a famously fucked up comment that was to make.
I could have killed the bastard.
More words were said, but my companion, a cool dude in more ways than one, saw the upcoming calamity and led me out of the bar.
I was more than happy to follow.
Santa Barbara comes with its own set of happy cliches.
Beautiful girls, all seemingly drunk or at least buzzed, stroll the streets with girlfriends/boyfriends-laughing at some unheard inside joke.
DJs spin mash-ups of hip-hop, R&B and pop from every corner.
And, there, in the midst of it all, is me-suitably warm from too many glasses of wine, wondering how I fit in-if I fit in at all.
Narcissism is, after all, one of my best self-indulgent traits.
I'm here for one night only-trolling for some sort of illustration that would make my boss happy.
The first night, by the way, away from my Wife.
It's amazing how much I miss her-specifically considering how, just a few entries ago-I doubted our relationship to the point that I considered leaving in a last ditch effort at supposed freedom.
Anyways-that's what's on my mind-at 12:23 am, in downtown Santa Barbara-enjoying myself and wishing I was home all at the same time.
The lyric for the moment:

"I'm a suspect, I'm a traitor,
I'm only here in body visiting"

Toodles.

12:37 a.m. - 2007-11-16

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hey! look at how sexy I am! Hey! where ya goin?

Ya know, I was really kind of into the new Tori single. I though that maybe, just maybe, she's gotten back to actually writing some listenable melodies again (the kind that dripped thick like molasses throughout "Little Earthquakes" and "Under The Pink" ).
But then she started that "I am a M I L F, don't you forget" shit and damn. What a letdown.

5:49 p.m. - 2007-11-03

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Not quite lucid enough for any sort of Legibility

The deed came about in the most cat-like way.
Skimpering up. Silent. As if on skates.
She had been thinking about things. BIG things.
Mom's mortality.
Sister’s hormone-ality.
Nephew's financiality.
Boyfriend's fidelity.
He had been thinking about things as well. BIG things.
Employability.
Mortality.
Fidelity.
Pretty much in that order.

And, then, matters of health came up.
Lines were drawn.
Wills were drawn.
Just to make sure, you know, that the Great All was covered.

And, well, now it is.
And, to be perfectly frank oh Mr. Me from sometime in the future,
It feels OK.
Better actually.

And that's a wonderful thing.

6:12 p.m. - 2007-10-06

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